I remember being 25 and visiting Paris for the first time. I remember falling in love with the city and vowing to return, just once more, to celebrate my 40th birthday. Chris and I were in the early, careful stages of our relationship and I couldn't have imagined where our lives would lead - separately or together. I certainly never imagined our passionate pursuit of Paris or that Paris would bring us to London.
I started my 40th birthday with my favourite meal - an omelette nature and a giant café crème at Le Petit Cler. Chris and I spent the rest of the day wandering aimlessly through our beloved Paris streets, stopping for mulled wines and macarons. I bought a sophisticated, age appropriate rose parfum at Annick Goutal and Chris didn't complain when I stopped at every Monoprix.
I wanted to be the kind of woman who celebrates her 40th birthday with a stream of cleverly hashtagged selfies and culturally relevant words of wisdom. I wanted to be the kind of woman who crazily commemorates this milestone birthday with a hot air balloon ride, a naked yoga class or dinner at a Michelin starred-restaurant. I really did. But it's so not me. It would have felt as forced and contrived as spending a day standing in line at the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa. So not me.
Instead I did exactly as I wanted. I spent my birthday with the love of my life in the city of our dreams. No rushing, no fuss, just us two and overwhelming feelings of gratitude and love.
I admit that turning 40 has made me feel more reflective.
Many of you may know that late last year, I participated in a video where I spoke very personally about my anxiety. It was a freeing experience and one that has since influenced my outlook and attitude. I made a conscious decision to open up about my anxiety, both in my personal and professional lives. Subconsciously, I think this was my way of kick-starting my 40th year and embracing all of my emotional bits and pieces.
Because even at 40, I still feel like I am figuring things out...
I worry about saying the wrong thing in a way that doesn't feel that distant from my teenage self. I won't leave the house without make-up, but I hate doing my face. Especially eyeliner. I can't put eyeliner on without making a mess and I am 40. I am still searching for the one dress that 'will change my life', even though there are at least a dozen of them hanging in my closet. I still get crushes on short men. I wish I could sleep past 6am. I am uncomfortable around children, especially babies. I think I would rather hold a scented ferret than a friend's baby. Sorry! I love Wolford tights, Repetto ballet flats, Marks & Spencer ready-meals, Nespresso, silk scarves, costume jewellery, novels and pocket-sized notebooks. I miss horseback riding so much. And part of the reason I walk through Hyde Park every morning is so I can see other people riding. I am sarcastic. I don't particularly like being hugged. Each time Chris leaves London, I can't look at the planes circling over the city because it makes me too sad. I love junk food and I often eat like I am still in my 20's with the metabolism of a 13 year old boy. I read before bed every single night, even if it's super late or I have had one too many glasses of wine. I love smiling at strangers. I can't drink Champagne. I get sweaty every time I have to speak in public, whether it's 3 people or 100 people. I hate running but I still consider myself a runner. I still wear the same running shorts I wore when I ran the Vancouver Marathon in 2006. I say sorry too much. I spend too much time questioning how I have come to be at this place in my life, rather than just enjoying my life.
I had few expectations when I left Canada just over 18 months ago. I expected to tolerate London as a means to get us to Paris. I knew London would be good for my career. I hoped I would make a few friends and learn to appreciate a bitter ale. But never thought I would feel at home in London. I never imagined buying candles and furry pillows for my bijou flat. I never imagined having friends that would toast me with Champagne and filthy cards for my 40th birthday. I never imagined my heart would do a happy dance every time my plane touches down at Heathrow.
London feels like home. To both of us.
My experience in London has been extraordinary. More than once I have wondered whether I worked really hard or just been really lucky. When I think back on my 30's, I remember the opportunities and the setbacks. Both professional and personal. I didn't always immediately learn from them, but I did take them seriously. And I think I am now just starting to appreciate their impact and influence.
I have been a lot of things in my 40 years. I have been a daughter, friend, best friend, girlfriend and wife. I have been a horse lover, cat rescuer, rider and runner. I have been impatient, inflexible, furious, and terrified. I have been heart broken, professionally confused, and almost a writer. I have been deliriously happy and moved to tears. I have been, and probably always will be, a bit anxious.
I think the best things I can take into my 40's are an open mind and gratitude.
I was in Italy last week. As I left the airport in Rome, I started paging through my passport looking at its collection of stamps. I felt a kind of geeky, and likely age inappropriate, shiver of pleasure. I felt a huge smile spread across my face.
My life exactly as I imagined it...
Beautifully shared, Erin. Among the people whose paths cross our own for a short time, yours is a voice I hope to hear again and again. Keep writing.
ReplyDeleteErin, I love reading anything that smacks of honesty....really reflective honesty. What a great read. Thank you. xo Shannon
ReplyDeleteI love everything about this post and everything about you.
ReplyDeletexxoo
What a great read this morning! I'm glad chris shared it! I turned 40, 2 1/2 years ago. I can really relate to that teenage feeling and the eating (chocolate for me) junk food like I'm in my 20s lol. How brave you are and absolutely stunning too.
ReplyDeleteI wish you and chris all the happiness:) you both work so hard and you both deserve the very best.
Great to see your beautiful face.
Lou
You sound so wise and I love how candid and honest you are in this post. Congratulations on turning 40!
ReplyDeleteYou have a great skill set and that attitude of gratitude will take you far.
I went to Paris for my 40th birthday too... in December 2012:)
ReplyDeleteLove this.
ReplyDeleteI turned 26 in Paris...and 50...and (shriek) last week, 60. Hey, it's still Paris! I had friends who came to join my husband and I from Sweden and London and Paris, so it was a great party, at Les Chouettes.
If I can keep rounding the decades there with my sweetie, life is very good.
LOVE the Rue Cler; spent 2 weeks in a borrowed flat a block from there in December 2015 and spent a lot of time there. Really loved getting to know it.